Growing, you are either growing in yourself or you are just existing till you die. I really didn’t grasp this fully until today, until somebody from my past tried (yes tried) to dress me down about something I had done in my 20’s. You remember your 20’s, those 10 years that you look upon now and spend so much time thinking WTF? Yep, I was different, I spent my 20’s in a fog of thinking I was an adult, but actually only having the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. Thinking that it was ok to let other people take care of you and that you could still make your own decisions, decisions they might have to live with, but it was ok, because I was an adult. I was no more an adult than 90% of High School seniors are these days.
So let me go back and elaborate, but I stress before you read further, NO I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your encouragement, I don’t want your support, this isn’t a pity piece, this is a I grew the fuck up and own my own shit piece. That being said there is a back story that goes with it. I grew up in a single parent (mother) household, my mom was and is a control freak that has to have everything her own way. She raised me to take care of her, she raised me to be the perfect housewife, and if all I had ever wanted was to have a man take care of me while I popped out babies and cooked his dinner, I was all set after high school. But I didn’t, I wanted to be independent I just didn’t know what that looked like. So I stretched my wings, I moved so many times from 18-28 that it is really kind of embarrassing, I completely and totally RPG’d a few bridges, I didn’t burn shit down I just bombed it and then wondered why I was on the wrong side of the river alone. I took advantage of people, because it was what I seen growing up, it was how I was raised. Than when I was 25 my Uncle whom I had fond memories of when I was growing up, but we had become estranged said to me in a very condescending tone, “How can I believe anything you say, everything is a lie, your just like your mother” I was sitting on the floor in my grandmother’s house, changing my daughters diaper, and I remember that and I thought to myself, how mean, but then I got real and thought, how true. I decided to start changing. It took me years, at least three that I can think of that I actually changed the way I spoke to people, I decided even saying I would do something and having the intention to do it, but it falling apart, was the same as lying. So I stopped and to this day I will say, “My intention is to do this or that, if everything stays the same it should happen” Just in case my car breaks down or if there is an emergency people know that life happens. So 3 years to change my speech, and another 5-6 years before my family believed when I said something, before the people I grew up around trusted my word and treated me like and adult. I was in my early-mid 30’s when that happened, but it did and I treasure the relationships I have with them now so much more than I would have in my dreary 20’s
So between 25-30 I did even more stupid things trying to be truthful and still failing miserably at times, but still trying to change. I asked for help, in my world when I asked my mom for help she just did it and then held it over my head and emotionally blackmailed me with it. But this time I asked real adults for help, you know the ones that recognize when you don’t have a clue, and unfortunately they were not blood related so they had nothing to go on but that I was a dumb adult with no idea how to adult and it was effecting somebody that was important to them. They did what any real adult would do and ended up raising my youngest daughter, at the time when the fight was happening it was ugly and messy and conflict was a plenty, so when it was all said and done I bowed out, walked away, abandoned and deserted all that something I held dear, because at the time I was a coward, but I also didn’t want the fight to continue her whole childhood. I have had enough friends that have gone through bad divorces and the parents fight in front of them, and this had happened a few times during the court case, that I decided since I was 50% of the problem (meaning when I was there, there would be conflict and when I wasn’t…..no conflict) I removed myself.
Well today after 2 days of messaging from the Biological father, I got the dress down, and at first I was hurt, than a bit mad, and then I felt sad. I feel sad that he had so much anger he had to go after me, when I honestly thought I was just giving an explanation. But to him I guess it was an excuse or maybe an attack, I truthfully (and without posting the correspondence) don’t know. But he went double barrel, RPG, hand grenade on me, and at the end I say, OK if that made you feel better to for lack of better terms, beat me up, I do hope you feel better. But I also realize that he wasn’t saying anything to me that I hadn’t said to myself, somethings weren’t even close to true, but some things were. And I really do hope that in the end his life is happier than the person he showed me today, because I sure wouldn’t want that much anger in my life.
So to anybody that made it through these almost 1000 words and is still reading, let go of your anger, I did years ago and realized it was only hurting me when I was mad, but also forgive anybody you see as doing you wrong, it doesn’t matter if you speak to them again or not, at the end of the day you are the one carrying the burden, not them.
So I close with Growing, you are either growing in yourself or existing till you die, make no mistake, I am an Oak standing tall and growing more every day.