I was speaking with a friend two days ago, this person has always been special in my life and she had been away for about 8 years, the love was there, the friendship that we had spent hours forging was just back, right there for the picking up and running off with. It was wonderful and through my opening up on FB and than posting here we had a new foundation to talk about. As we were having our 2+ hour conversation she says (and I am paraphrasing) “This is one of those onion layer things” a nod to Shrek the movie and Donkey. And we diverged to the fact that I had been talking to my therapist just last week about the layers of my onion. There are so many layers and I know we all have them but most people can tell you about the majority of thiers, most people can identify the layers they have and the things about them that make them an onion with layers. I am finding that I have layers I didn’t know about. Now don’t misread and think that means I am pulling up all these repressed memories, I have had a few of those but they have been tied to a fact I knew was truth but since I had interpreted been the abuse as a child I didn’t see the harm as what it was.
So layer one the core of when I believe the start of my abuse happen. Now this story was told to me many times, as I was less than 2 years old I have to recount from a 3rd person objective. I can read this story and see it for what it is and as and adult would be OUTRAGED if I seen an adult doing this to a child, but recounting it has no pain for me other than seeing how it effected the rest of my life.
It would have been the summer of 1972, I wasn’t yet 2 (birthday in Sept) but we lived with my Nanny on “O” street in Tulare. Most streets in California are blacktop, my mom decided she was worried about me running out into the street so she took me on her hip into the middle of the road at the hottest part of the day with no traffic and stood me up, with no shoes on. She talked about how I danced around and waved my arms to her and told her to pick me up, and she said “No”, (pointing to the grass) she said “over there it isn’t hot, get to the grass” Finally I ran to the grass and my feet weren’t burning. From this story she went on to say that I must have been about 5-6 when my Nanny told her that I was too big for her to be carrying a cross the street whenever we were out. My mom then told me being in a crosswalk would keep me safe.
So from this my therapist and I gleamed this about my life.
- The person I was suppose to trust most in the world hurt me. (Put me on hot blacktop)
- Then having the power to pick me up and keep me safe she refused and told me to do it myself
- I then had to figure out how to self sooth and provide my own self care, but also rely upon said person to carry me for another 4 years when I needed to cross a street.
Her words to me were “I was worried you would run out in traffic after a ball or something and get hit by a car, so I wanted you afraid of the street”. In my thinking back not one of our friends got hit by a car while I was growing up. Before breaking it down with my therapist I hadn’t understood that she had programmed me with those three steps to be reliant upon her for the majority of my life. Since from that point on she was my main abuser.
Now after understanding it, I am fine with the fact that I cut her out of my life, I also for all intense purpose’s have labeled her a Narcissist (there is no official diagnosis) from all I have read she fits this perfectly.
I also would like to say that I was less than 2 years old, so who let’s there child outside under the age at two unsupervised long enough to toddle to the street? That was the question my therapist and I got stuck on after we figured out the three steps.