I stood in my power, for him

Life happens, well lets be honest if life isn’t happening you are no longer above ground.  So many things to talk about, but only one is important.

Yesterday, yesterday I got to stand in my power and make no mistake I swayed back and forth, in and out of it, just trying to find my footing and stay there.  People don’t understand how hard standing in your power can be.  Most of them don’t do it at all, or only have for a short period of time.  But yesterday I did it for my fur-baby, I stood in all my Shamanic power and made that ultimate last choice for my little guy.  I wavered I cried I wanted to rage and throw a fit, but in the end I held peace and love for his passing.  He was too young and not ready to go, but Cancer was the big bitch villain in this story and we had no other choice.  For 3 months we have battled, even before we knew we were battling.  And then for 11 weeks we tried what we could within reason, so as not to make the pain worse by adding suffering and sickness.

But the moment they sedated him before the actual stuff that stopped his heart, I felt his pain go, I felt the anxiety and fear of why did it hurt so much release from his body.  When his heart stopped my husband was holding his head and I was holding his paw (two things we were never allowed to do as he wasn’t a touchy feely guy) and I felt it all release and his features soften.   I knew then that the majority of my agitation and unrest for the last few weeks wasn’t that I knew we were going to loose him, but that he was in so much pain he radiated it and I picked up on the pain and anxiety, but totally missed the clue of why I felt the way I did.  Bad Bad Shaman, Bad Bad Mommy, well no I won’t say that to myself nor feel that way in my heart because I had a lesson to learn too.  I had to learn that the circle goes around, the spiral continues.  His spirit an energy will just work with me in a different way.  I will forever miss his antics and I could write a million paragraphs of all the good things.  But I will never miss his energy and spirit because as a Shaman I know where to find it.

Standing in your power is not easy, standing and allowing things to happen the way they should is not always easy.  But coming out the other side better for the world around you, that is the work, that is the lesson, that is what we are here for.  To leave this place better than how we found it.  And yesterday I did that.

 

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History or His-Story

Growing, you are either growing in yourself or you are just existing till you die.  I really didn’t grasp this fully until today, until somebody from my past tried (yes tried) to dress me down about something I had done in my 20’s.  You remember your 20’s, those 10 years that you look upon now and spend so much time thinking WTF?  Yep, I was different, I spent my 20’s in a fog of thinking I was an adult, but actually only having the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old.  Thinking that it was ok to let other people take care of you and that you could still make your own decisions, decisions they might have to live with, but it was ok, because I was an adult.  I was no more an adult than 90% of High School seniors are these days.

So let me go back and elaborate, but I stress before you read further, NO I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your encouragement, I don’t want your support, this isn’t a pity piece, this is a I grew the fuck up and own my own shit piece.  That being said there is a back story that goes with it.  I grew up in a single parent (mother) household, my mom was and is a control freak that has to have everything her own way.  She raised me to take care of her, she raised me to be the perfect housewife, and if all I had ever wanted was to have a man take care of me while I popped out babies and cooked his dinner, I was all set after high school.  But I didn’t, I wanted to be independent I just didn’t know what that looked like.  So I stretched my wings, I moved so many times from 18-28 that it is really kind of embarrassing, I completely and totally RPG’d a few bridges, I didn’t burn shit down I just bombed it and then wondered why I was on the wrong side of the river alone.  I took advantage of people, because it was what I seen growing up, it was how I was raised.  Than when I was 25 my Uncle whom I had fond memories of when I was growing up, but we had become estranged said to me in a very condescending tone, “How can I believe anything you say, everything is a lie, your just like your mother”  I was sitting on the floor in my grandmother’s house, changing my daughters diaper, and I remember that and I thought to myself, how mean, but then I got real and thought, how true.  I decided to start changing.  It took me years, at least three that I can think of that I actually changed the way I spoke to people, I decided even saying I would do something and having the intention to do it, but it falling apart, was the same as lying.  So I stopped and to this day I will say, “My intention is to do this or that, if everything stays the same it should happen”  Just in case my car breaks down or if there is an emergency people know that life happens. So 3 years to change my speech, and another 5-6 years before my family believed when I said something, before the people I grew up around trusted my word and treated me like and adult.  I was in my early-mid 30’s when that happened, but it did and I treasure the relationships I have with them now so much more than I would have in my dreary 20’s

So between 25-30 I did even more stupid things trying to be truthful and still failing miserably at times, but still trying to change.  I asked for help, in my world when I asked my mom for help she just did it and then held it over my head and emotionally blackmailed me with it.  But this time I asked real adults for help, you know the ones that recognize when you don’t have a clue, and unfortunately they were not blood related so they had nothing to go on but that I was a dumb adult with no idea how to adult and it was effecting somebody that was important to them.  They did what any real adult would do and ended up raising my youngest daughter, at the time when the fight was happening it was ugly and messy and conflict was a plenty, so when it was all said and done I bowed out, walked away, abandoned and deserted all that something I held dear, because at the time I was a coward, but I also didn’t want the fight to continue her whole childhood.  I have had enough friends that have gone through bad divorces and the parents fight in front of them, and this had happened a few times during the court case, that I decided since I was 50% of the problem (meaning when I was there, there would be conflict and when I wasn’t…..no conflict)  I removed myself.

Well today after 2 days of messaging from the Biological father, I got the dress down, and at first I was hurt, than a bit mad, and then I felt sad.  I feel sad that he had so much anger he had to go after me, when I honestly thought I was just giving an explanation.   But to him I guess it was an excuse or maybe an attack, I truthfully (and without posting the correspondence) don’t know.  But he went double barrel, RPG, hand grenade on me, and at the end I say, OK if that made you feel better to for lack of better terms, beat me up, I do hope you feel better.  But I also realize that he wasn’t saying anything to me that I hadn’t said to myself, somethings weren’t even close to true, but some things were.  And I really do hope that in the end his life is happier than the person he showed me today, because I sure wouldn’t want that much anger in my life.

So to anybody that made it through these almost 1000 words and is still reading, let go of your anger, I did years ago and realized it was only hurting me when I was mad, but also forgive anybody you see as doing you wrong, it doesn’t matter if you speak to them again or not, at the end of the day you are the one carrying the burden, not them.

So I close with Growing, you are either growing in yourself or existing till you die, make no mistake, I am an Oak standing tall and growing more every day.

 

Listening (Part 3 of Planning)

Listen…….sshhhhhhhhhh do you hear that?  If you are saying, “Hear what?” then you aren’t doing it.  Sometimes sitting quietly, sometimes while in a crowd, sometimes while in the midst of a conversation, and sometimes while half awake, they talk to you. They can be to you what my gang is to me, your guides, guardians, totems, teachers, god, the universe, whomever talks to you.

See at the end of the day this is exactly why I wasn’t doing what I needed over the last 5 years, and the last year for sure, I stopped listening, I stopped ASKING.  If you don’t ask for something how can you go about getting it done? At the end of most days the problems people have could be solved by asking whomever they speak to to show them the way.  And then following the path instead of getting in your own way and adding ego to the problem and doing what you “want” instead of what you “need”.  As an American this is a big problem I see over here, we want, want, want, instead of looking at what we need.  We find ourselves in debt an with a bunch of shit we don’t need, or don’t use anymore.  Little by little over the last 2 weeks I have been stopping that, I have asked for things I need to do the work I was tasked with, and so far  I have gotten way more than anticipated.

But back to Listening, I entered into a room contracted in March and even though it worked I had to push to make it work, I had to figure things out to make it work and then I found out we were moving again.  I spent $1900 on the room and have another bill out there for the construction of my bars for that room.  I am disputing it based upon the bill being double the estimate, but that was just par for the course since that is money gone and no reward from it.  I wasn’t listening and through it all I thought it was a good idea and I “wanted” it.  I only told 1 person about my feelings of unease about the person I was renting from and the situation.  If I would have told others and been honest with myself it wouldn’t have happened, or at least it wouldn’t have been so bad.

But now I am listening, it has been hard only in the fact that I feel like I am not doing much as things fall into place, I have to realize that one of the things I really wanted was to be able to still have a home life, to make homemade foods and spend time with my husband and dogs, so this means I find myself at times getting bored because I am waiting for things to happen to allow the next thing to come forward.  But in that time there is Me, and so many of us forget that we are important, we forget that without us taking care of ourselves we can’t take care of others.  Without us feeding our bodies right or working out we can’t expect to be able to care for those around us.  My biggest forget is taking care of my Spirituality, talking to my gang, having a working alter in my house, and overall just being me.  These are the things I am implementing now.  I am also not so worried about what I say to people, I am doing me and if you don’t like what I say to you, then don’t.  But unless I feel I was unduly harsh I won’t be apologizing, and if you are looking for an apology, go talk to somebody else.

And/And (Part 2 of Planning)

And/And instead of either/or, this was such a lesson for me while traveling.  I had compartmentalized my life to such an extent that I was either/or for the last 5 years.  There were times of and/and, but not many and the longer I went without expressing myself and my life, the harder And/And became.  So as today dawns and I have had time to digest my caffeine of choice and speak with a one of my Peoples on the phone I sit down and plan my And/And day.

Friday was all about household and setting up food stores and spirits for the 2 weeks to come.  Spending time with people who didn’t overcomplicated there lives with always worrying about what was on the menu next is helping me to see past my constant desire to have something different every night of the week.  I have chicken breast galore and I am searching for quality meats and veggies in my area to keep my larder stocked full of wholesome goodness without breaking the bank, and expanding the waistline.

Saturday was supposed to be hiking, but the weather was overly soggy, and since I had just been in England, that is saying a lot about how wet it was here.  Plus all my wet weather gear is over the pond.  It ended up being a day of planning, I got my poster board done so I can keep track of the things that I want to do, while accomplishing the things I need to do.  I spent a lot of yesterday R&R’ing it.  I realized that I hadn’t really just stopped, of course there were things to do, but nothing that had to be done immediately.  Today will be Football, cooking and setting up a massage space before my hands forget how to work.

With the And/And going I have reached out to somebody about helping with my drum making, my gang has already provided  me with a deer skin and hopefully this season an Elk skin.  I will be setting up Massage days today, or at least reaching out and starting my October Schedule, I am also going to attempt the lathe today, we will see what wood I can use and can’t use on it.  and get an idea of what this is going to take to make wands.  Then getting the room ready to start taking a few clients in the house, and make sure that I can do it inside the city limits.  So not a full day of “overworld” work, but enough to set tomorrow up for more.

The biggest thing I can say is that And/And means that you are always working on a lot of things, instead of my norm which is start something and gung-ho it.  Unfortunately a few of the things I am doing you start it and it has to boil in the cauldron before it is time to do anything with it.

cauldron

After that comment and this picture I will begin unpacking my library looking for the Mabinogion and read the story of the three drops that come out of the pot.

Ok, so now there is one more thing to add to my list of things to do today, so on this Sunday I wish everyone well and I head off for my And/And day.

 

Blogging on a Plane (Part 1 of Plan)

Well I made my wonderful trip, Bath, Wales, Exmoor, Dartmoor, Glasgow, Stirling, Bathgate than Maud finishing by flying out of Aberdeen. Now I have about 3 hours left on the long flight of my journey. I can’t fully express the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders with this trip, I have come back with new knowledge and more ideas for more things than just Massage, so many that I am excited, not just to make the money to take more trips, but also to express my more creative and Magical side.

I have decided to take my business back on the road for a while. I will make 2-3 trips a month working out of clients homes or possibly in two different locations (still hammering out details) Reedsburg doesn’t seem to fit me well, I am making a 8 month commitment to this endeavor and then we will see if it works for all and helps us at the house or if I extablish a place in my city.

I will be making wands, I will start first by learning to make them, then I will create different woods and styles, I have a bunch of stones and things I have collected over the years that will work with this. I am starting with basic wood moving then to special ordered I will endeavor to help the person aquiring one to get the most out of their wand. Some I am sure will be purely decorational, but in the end I would like to make ceremonial wands for those that are looking for them. This in turn will lead me to working with the trees, in and of itself it will be an undertaking, so that leads me to Devils lake.

Devils lake is a park by Baraboo that I will be hiking and taking the time to know in all its season and in doing so meet and know the trees in my area. Along with this it will give me time to meet and greet my land and the area I am living and working in. This will also give me the time to increase my stamina and overall have more fresh air everyday.

Birthday and Today

I spent the day yesterday Birthing (Making) my Drum.  I gave up my birthday to bring forth another spirit to help me on my journey.  Now do not get me wrong, I don’t mean I didn’t want to, I mean instead of running about shouting at the top of my lungs, look at me it’s my birthday.  I instead put that energy into bring Bruhillda ( Bruh-Illda) into my world.  She is birthed from Reindeer Skin from Finland.  Respectfully sourced for use of the whole animal.

I was blessed to spend the day with 2 very amazing women, Ros whom was my teacher and guide in bring Bruhillda into this plane, and Elen whom I got to spend the evening eating wonderful food and having conversation with.  So all in all it was a quiet, but soul filling up day.

It’s funny the last two days I have this, things are going to change, this is how I am, life is so different rants that I woke up with, when this morning I am calm and peaceful.  I woke today being called to sleep from a beautiful horse in the pasture outside our cottage.  He was quit insistent that somebody come and tend him.  In my PJ a thrown over sweatshirt and my light water shoes (grass is wet) I traipsed out and spoke with him for a while, He finally settled down realizing I was coming with Oats and had no apples (as I don’t know who belongs to him, I don’t feel I should feed without permission, even treats)

Today we will wonder on the Moor, Dunkery for sure, Tarr Steps for sure and Wham Barrows. Dunkery is Ceredwin place and she has come to me a lot this trip in her spider guise.  In fact there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t had a spider appear, to include in the window of the car with a beautiful web one morning.  She is the keeper of the wheel, the one that watches over the land.  Today I will go and sit in her place of power and see what she has to teach me, see how the web and the 8 legs, or in my case 8 ideas, weave and work together.  I will then be able to see how my new self will work with my now self.

 

Yesterday a 9, today a 10

Yesterday I was 45, today I am 46.  In numerology that makes yesterday a 9 and today a 10.  I am at the completion’ish cycle of a phase of my life.  It doesn’t mean it is over it is just learning and recognizing these phases so that you can more easily move from one to the other, so that in starting at a 1 next year I can remember that 10 was nice, but if you aren’t moving and changing you aren’t growing, so 1 is necessary too. Which in actuality next year will be an 11, or can be thought of as 2, skipping 1 all together, but for now I work with 10, for those of you new to this, that was just a mind boggling explanation, but again I made no promises of being easy and working all my problems with you, just that I would put them out there.

So much of the last 4 years have been less of this stuff and more of the mundane in your face problems, i.e. bills, relationships, moving, cars, the material stuff.  These things really haven’t meant much to me over my life and I have been so much happier at those times than as of last week.  I say last week because last week changed me, it helped me remember who and how I am, I am not a bill paying, drudge working, do what I am told person, but damn I sure did fill that slot well.  I am a Shapeshifter and a damned good one, unfortunately I got caught in the shift and wasn’t coming out.  I had moments of MYself, but not a life.

Now before people start worrying about my running off into the woods and becoming a naturist (nudist in England) this is just me saying that I am going to look a bit different coming home and the norm you are use to isn’t going to be the norm that you get.  I recognize and understand that and will do my complete best to help others along the way to understanding me better, provided you are not trying to grab a hold of my cloak and put me back in the fucking box I just emerged from.  This means a bit more bluntness, Yes I will listen to the problems, but I will try and help you with solutions and I will call you out when you don’t change but just whine.  There is a time for Wine, it is with Cheese, invite me for this and we are good, complain with no action and you we are not.

Now as I stated above yesterday I was 45 today I am 46 I am going to enjoy my birthday morning with a Mocha, and in an hour I leave to go make a drum, a beautiful Reindeer skin drum and hopefully learn enough to teach this beautiful practice in the states, and yes I will be drumming at home from now on.