I was speaking with a friend two days ago, this person has always been special in my life and she had been away for about 8 years, the love was there, the friendship that we had spent hours forging was just back, right there for the picking up and running off with. It was wonderful and through my opening up on FB and than posting here we had a new foundation to talk about. As we were having our 2+ hour conversation she says (and I am paraphrasing) “This is one of those onion layer things” a nod to Shrek the movie and Donkey. And we diverged to the fact that I had been talking to my therapist just last week about the layers of my onion. There are so many layers and I know we all have them but most people can tell you about the majority of thiers, most people can identify the layers they have and the things about them that make them an onion with layers. I am finding that I have layers I didn’t know about. Now don’t misread and think that means I am pulling up all these repressed memories, I have had a few of those but they have been tied to a fact I knew was truth but since I had interpreted been the abuse as a child I didn’t see the harm as what it was.
So layer one the core of when I believe the start of my abuse happen. Now this story was told to me many times, as I was less than 2 years old I have to recount from a 3rd person objective. I can read this story and see it for what it is and as and adult would be OUTRAGED if I seen an adult doing this to a child, but recounting it has no pain for me other than seeing how it effected the rest of my life.
It would have been the summer of 1972, I wasn’t yet 2 (birthday in Sept) but we lived with my Nanny on “O” street in Tulare. Most streets in California are blacktop, my mom decided she was worried about me running out into the street so she took me on her hip into the middle of the road at the hottest part of the day with no traffic and stood me up, with no shoes on. She talked about how I danced around and waved my arms to her and told her to pick me up, and she said “No”, (pointing to the grass) she said “over there it isn’t hot, get to the grass” Finally I ran to the grass and my feet weren’t burning. From this story she went on to say that I must have been about 5-6 when my Nanny told her that I was too big for her to be carrying a cross the street whenever we were out. My mom then told me being in a crosswalk would keep me safe.
So from this my therapist and I gleamed this about my life.
- The person I was suppose to trust most in the world hurt me. (Put me on hot blacktop)
- Then having the power to pick me up and keep me safe she refused and told me to do it myself
- I then had to figure out how to self sooth and provide my own self care, but also rely upon said person to carry me for another 4 years when I needed to cross a street.
Her words to me were “I was worried you would run out in traffic after a ball or something and get hit by a car, so I wanted you afraid of the street”. In my thinking back not one of our friends got hit by a car while I was growing up. Before breaking it down with my therapist I hadn’t understood that she had programmed me with those three steps to be reliant upon her for the majority of my life. Since from that point on she was my main abuser.
Now after understanding it, I am fine with the fact that I cut her out of my life, I also for all intense purpose’s have labeled her a Narcissist (there is no official diagnosis) from all I have read she fits this perfectly.
I also would like to say that I was less than 2 years old, so who let’s there child outside under the age at two unsupervised long enough to toddle to the street? That was the question my therapist and I got stuck on after we figured out the three steps.
So yesterday while shopping with a friend at Aldi’s I had an older dick-head guy approach me asking about Sasha. Not only was he giving me a bunch of bullshit about his credentials and developing Cognitive Therapy and giving it away, and being a practicing GP for years, he was telling me that I had no disability that would require Sasha. At the moment before he approached me I could see how he would misunderstand. I had had a wonderful morning, my spoons were high see Spoon Theory Sasha and I were actually playing a bit in the store, because in December I had pushed her to much to work and she had snapped and wasn’t enjoying her job. So I had brought her in in order to treat her a lot and to make her comfortable in Public Spaces again. Aldi’s was the perfect environment because everybody is always great to me there. So what he seen was me smiling and bouncing and talking in baby talk to my girl while feeding her copious amounts of treats. Here ears were up her tail was up and she was prancing. The friend I was shopping with was behind me about 15 paces, this man then ask me about her and goes into his resume of why he is qualified to tell me I don’t need her. I then said that my Doctor and my Therapist both agree that she is vital to my daily life and he was neither of them so he had no opinion on the state of my mental health. He wouldn’t stop, he was spouting so much shit I can’t even put it all down, because the fear kicked in, I couldn’t see how to get away. My lovely friend and 83 year old spunky woman came around us and when she got in front of me she turned and asked how Sasha was doing, I said she was a bit stressed and yes the Dick-head kept picking. Well she maneuvered in front of him as there was a pallet in front of me, and as I tried to follow her though, he actually blocked my cart so I couldn’t get through. At this moment I knew I was in trouble. I couldn’t move, I hit freeze mode, I wanted to run but my legs wouldn’t go anywhere and he keeps picking. I could see my friend who is the store manager but I couldn’t make my legs move, I wanted to yell at him but was afraid if I started I wouldn’t stop and then I might hit him, because I was that scared. He even had the gall at one point to tell me that he was trying to egg me on to see how I would react. Sasha was blocking the fuck out of me and had her body pressed so hard against me I was up against the pasta. But I still couldn’t move, I think when I shut down and turned my head was when he stopped and moved on because there was no reaction to be had anymore because I was shut down.
This is how I survived my childhood, I shut down. My mother taught me not to run because she would find me or catch me, so I shut down. You keep your mouth shut because the backlash with her hands were worse then whatever she was saying or doing at the time. You learn to freeze or fawn Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn when I got older I armored myself up using the Fight mode, but more in the loud, outspoken, fun, center or attention person, because I learned that if you are big and bold when you go places then people tend to not bully or pick on you because you are too big. So see I have just been playing puffer fish for all these years.
I am starting this blogging because I have so much inside but never know where to start, in pure Tamm fashion I was trying to do everything in a specific order and make it perfect for the reader by one of my best friends told me I just needed to get it out, so sloppy or ugly or downright rude with some of my language I will be putting things in this blog while I work my trauma.
Life happens, well lets be honest if life isn’t happening you are no longer above ground. So many things to talk about, but only one is important.
Yesterday, yesterday I got to stand in my power and make no mistake I swayed back and forth, in and out of it, just trying to find my footing and stay there. People don’t understand how hard standing in your power can be. Most of them don’t do it at all, or only have for a short period of time. But yesterday I did it for my fur-baby, I stood in all my Shamanic power and made that ultimate last choice for my little guy. I wavered I cried I wanted to rage and throw a fit, but in the end I held peace and love for his passing. He was too young and not ready to go, but Cancer was the big bitch villain in this story and we had no other choice. For 3 months we have battled, even before we knew we were battling. And then for 11 weeks we tried what we could within reason, so as not to make the pain worse by adding suffering and sickness.
But the moment they sedated him before the actual stuff that stopped his heart, I felt his pain go, I felt the anxiety and fear of why did it hurt so much release from his body. When his heart stopped my husband was holding his head and I was holding his paw (two things we were never allowed to do as he wasn’t a touchy feely guy) and I felt it all release and his features soften. I knew then that the majority of my agitation and unrest for the last few weeks wasn’t that I knew we were going to loose him, but that he was in so much pain he radiated it and I picked up on the pain and anxiety, but totally missed the clue of why I felt the way I did. Bad Bad Shaman, Bad Bad Mommy, well no I won’t say that to myself nor feel that way in my heart because I had a lesson to learn too. I had to learn that the circle goes around, the spiral continues. His spirit an energy will just work with me in a different way. I will forever miss his antics and I could write a million paragraphs of all the good things. But I will never miss his energy and spirit because as a Shaman I know where to find it.
Standing in your power is not easy, standing and allowing things to happen the way they should is not always easy. But coming out the other side better for the world around you, that is the work, that is the lesson, that is what we are here for. To leave this place better than how we found it. And yesterday I did that.
Growing, you are either growing in yourself or you are just existing till you die. I really didn’t grasp this fully until today, until somebody from my past tried (yes tried) to dress me down about something I had done in my 20’s. You remember your 20’s, those 10 years that you look upon now and spend so much time thinking WTF? Yep, I was different, I spent my 20’s in a fog of thinking I was an adult, but actually only having the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. Thinking that it was ok to let other people take care of you and that you could still make your own decisions, decisions they might have to live with, but it was ok, because I was an adult. I was no more an adult than 90% of High School seniors are these days.
So let me go back and elaborate, but I stress before you read further, NO I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your encouragement, I don’t want your support, this isn’t a pity piece, this is a I grew the fuck up and own my own shit piece. That being said there is a back story that goes with it. I grew up in a single parent (mother) household, my mom was and is a control freak that has to have everything her own way. She raised me to take care of her, she raised me to be the perfect housewife, and if all I had ever wanted was to have a man take care of me while I popped out babies and cooked his dinner, I was all set after high school. But I didn’t, I wanted to be independent I just didn’t know what that looked like. So I stretched my wings, I moved so many times from 18-28 that it is really kind of embarrassing, I completely and totally RPG’d a few bridges, I didn’t burn shit down I just bombed it and then wondered why I was on the wrong side of the river alone. I took advantage of people, because it was what I seen growing up, it was how I was raised. Than when I was 25 my Uncle whom I had fond memories of when I was growing up, but we had become estranged said to me in a very condescending tone, “How can I believe anything you say, everything is a lie, your just like your mother” I was sitting on the floor in my grandmother’s house, changing my daughters diaper, and I remember that and I thought to myself, how mean, but then I got real and thought, how true. I decided to start changing. It took me years, at least three that I can think of that I actually changed the way I spoke to people, I decided even saying I would do something and having the intention to do it, but it falling apart, was the same as lying. So I stopped and to this day I will say, “My intention is to do this or that, if everything stays the same it should happen” Just in case my car breaks down or if there is an emergency people know that life happens. So 3 years to change my speech, and another 5-6 years before my family believed when I said something, before the people I grew up around trusted my word and treated me like and adult. I was in my early-mid 30’s when that happened, but it did and I treasure the relationships I have with them now so much more than I would have in my dreary 20’s
So between 25-30 I did even more stupid things trying to be truthful and still failing miserably at times, but still trying to change. I asked for help, in my world when I asked my mom for help she just did it and then held it over my head and emotionally blackmailed me with it. But this time I asked real adults for help, you know the ones that recognize when you don’t have a clue, and unfortunately they were not blood related so they had nothing to go on but that I was a dumb adult with no idea how to adult and it was effecting somebody that was important to them. They did what any real adult would do and ended up raising my youngest daughter, at the time when the fight was happening it was ugly and messy and conflict was a plenty, so when it was all said and done I bowed out, walked away, abandoned and deserted all that something I held dear, because at the time I was a coward, but I also didn’t want the fight to continue her whole childhood. I have had enough friends that have gone through bad divorces and the parents fight in front of them, and this had happened a few times during the court case, that I decided since I was 50% of the problem (meaning when I was there, there would be conflict and when I wasn’t…..no conflict) I removed myself.
Well today after 2 days of messaging from the Biological father, I got the dress down, and at first I was hurt, than a bit mad, and then I felt sad. I feel sad that he had so much anger he had to go after me, when I honestly thought I was just giving an explanation. But to him I guess it was an excuse or maybe an attack, I truthfully (and without posting the correspondence) don’t know. But he went double barrel, RPG, hand grenade on me, and at the end I say, OK if that made you feel better to for lack of better terms, beat me up, I do hope you feel better. But I also realize that he wasn’t saying anything to me that I hadn’t said to myself, somethings weren’t even close to true, but some things were. And I really do hope that in the end his life is happier than the person he showed me today, because I sure wouldn’t want that much anger in my life.
So to anybody that made it through these almost 1000 words and is still reading, let go of your anger, I did years ago and realized it was only hurting me when I was mad, but also forgive anybody you see as doing you wrong, it doesn’t matter if you speak to them again or not, at the end of the day you are the one carrying the burden, not them.
So I close with Growing, you are either growing in yourself or existing till you die, make no mistake, I am an Oak standing tall and growing more every day.
Listen…….sshhhhhhhhhh do you hear that? If you are saying, “Hear what?” then you aren’t doing it. Sometimes sitting quietly, sometimes while in a crowd, sometimes while in the midst of a conversation, and sometimes while half awake, they talk to you. They can be to you what my gang is to me, your guides, guardians, totems, teachers, god, the universe, whomever talks to you.
See at the end of the day this is exactly why I wasn’t doing what I needed over the last 5 years, and the last year for sure, I stopped listening, I stopped ASKING. If you don’t ask for something how can you go about getting it done? At the end of most days the problems people have could be solved by asking whomever they speak to to show them the way. And then following the path instead of getting in your own way and adding ego to the problem and doing what you “want” instead of what you “need”. As an American this is a big problem I see over here, we want, want, want, instead of looking at what we need. We find ourselves in debt an with a bunch of shit we don’t need, or don’t use anymore. Little by little over the last 2 weeks I have been stopping that, I have asked for things I need to do the work I was tasked with, and so far I have gotten way more than anticipated.
But back to Listening, I entered into a room contracted in March and even though it worked I had to push to make it work, I had to figure things out to make it work and then I found out we were moving again. I spent $1900 on the room and have another bill out there for the construction of my bars for that room. I am disputing it based upon the bill being double the estimate, but that was just par for the course since that is money gone and no reward from it. I wasn’t listening and through it all I thought it was a good idea and I “wanted” it. I only told 1 person about my feelings of unease about the person I was renting from and the situation. If I would have told others and been honest with myself it wouldn’t have happened, or at least it wouldn’t have been so bad.
But now I am listening, it has been hard only in the fact that I feel like I am not doing much as things fall into place, I have to realize that one of the things I really wanted was to be able to still have a home life, to make homemade foods and spend time with my husband and dogs, so this means I find myself at times getting bored because I am waiting for things to happen to allow the next thing to come forward. But in that time there is Me, and so many of us forget that we are important, we forget that without us taking care of ourselves we can’t take care of others. Without us feeding our bodies right or working out we can’t expect to be able to care for those around us. My biggest forget is taking care of my Spirituality, talking to my gang, having a working alter in my house, and overall just being me. These are the things I am implementing now. I am also not so worried about what I say to people, I am doing me and if you don’t like what I say to you, then don’t. But unless I feel I was unduly harsh I won’t be apologizing, and if you are looking for an apology, go talk to somebody else.
And/And instead of either/or, this was such a lesson for me while traveling. I had compartmentalized my life to such an extent that I was either/or for the last 5 years. There were times of and/and, but not many and the longer I went without expressing myself and my life, the harder And/And became. So as today dawns and I have had time to digest my caffeine of choice and speak with a one of my Peoples on the phone I sit down and plan my And/And day.
Friday was all about household and setting up food stores and spirits for the 2 weeks to come. Spending time with people who didn’t overcomplicated there lives with always worrying about what was on the menu next is helping me to see past my constant desire to have something different every night of the week. I have chicken breast galore and I am searching for quality meats and veggies in my area to keep my larder stocked full of wholesome goodness without breaking the bank, and expanding the waistline.
Saturday was supposed to be hiking, but the weather was overly soggy, and since I had just been in England, that is saying a lot about how wet it was here. Plus all my wet weather gear is over the pond. It ended up being a day of planning, I got my poster board done so I can keep track of the things that I want to do, while accomplishing the things I need to do. I spent a lot of yesterday R&R’ing it. I realized that I hadn’t really just stopped, of course there were things to do, but nothing that had to be done immediately. Today will be Football, cooking and setting up a massage space before my hands forget how to work.
With the And/And going I have reached out to somebody about helping with my drum making, my gang has already provided me with a deer skin and hopefully this season an Elk skin. I will be setting up Massage days today, or at least reaching out and starting my October Schedule, I am also going to attempt the lathe today, we will see what wood I can use and can’t use on it. and get an idea of what this is going to take to make wands. Then getting the room ready to start taking a few clients in the house, and make sure that I can do it inside the city limits. So not a full day of “overworld” work, but enough to set tomorrow up for more.
The biggest thing I can say is that And/And means that you are always working on a lot of things, instead of my norm which is start something and gung-ho it. Unfortunately a few of the things I am doing you start it and it has to boil in the cauldron before it is time to do anything with it.
After that comment and this picture I will begin unpacking my library looking for the Mabinogion and read the story of the three drops that come out of the pot.
Ok, so now there is one more thing to add to my list of things to do today, so on this Sunday I wish everyone well and I head off for my And/And day.